I don't know how i feel right now and i do think im panicking because im running on and on and i never do that and i dont know it just feels like my lungs are about to collapse and i want to cry but i cant and i dont know why and i dont know why and that hurts me more than anything that i dont know why im feeling this way because if you feel horrible you should at least know why right?

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Now playing: The Juliana Theory - Duane Joseph
via FoxyTunes   

I feel like if I feel any more of anything right now my lungs will collapse. I think that maybe you have to feel that way sometimes. But oh my God, it makes me want to collapse. Everything is making me want to collapse. Why won't you let me collapse?

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Now playing: The Juliana Theory - Seven Forty Seven
via FoxyTunes   

@ And now seeing if it works from AIM. Excuse the short post, Em :]

how do i do this?

She was never very poised or eloquent- her words never came out the way they sounded in her mind. She was a fool to think this would be any different. She had to leave him- they just didn't have the same interests, or want the same things out of life anymore. In her head, she sounded cool, collected, and confident. But when the actual words came out, she stuttered and slipped up. She even forgot to say half of what she meant to, though she wouldn't realize this until later. This didn't seem to comfort him- quite the opposite, in fact. It seemed her below-par speech skills gave away her reluctance to say the words she knew she had to. And the fact that this wasn't what she wanted-he had always strived to give her whatever she wished-hurt him more than anything else. She knew the look on his face would forever be engraved in her memory- it was so unique, the mixture of sorrow, confusion, and even a touch of anger. She had never seen anything like it before. As he drew breath to speak, he also knew that her face would be imprinted in his minds eye forevermore. And not just her expression now- for it was as unique as his, the odd mixture of reluctance, fear, and a sort of melancholy gaze of love- but all her expressions, every second of every day he had spent with her. In less than 20 words she could make his whole damn day. Unlike her, who feared she would go insane if she remembered to much, he knew he would not survive unless he could relive every kiss, every "I love you", every meaningful look or inside joke, even if it was all in his head, as long as he had his memories, he could survive...

I don't love you
I just love what you are
And the things you do
And the hurt I'll get from this
Will most definitely scar
But I don't love you
Though I'll always care
How could I not,
With every loving word, every kiss,
That we shared?
But I don't love you
Though I probably could've learned
These events have changed that
Your unconditional love
Is not something I have earned
But I don't love you
I never will, my dear
So find someone new
Someone who won't abandon you
And bring you to tears
Because I don't love you.

I'm tired, I'm going to end this now
I love you and I always will
But I don't know if i can face this anymore
Some of the things I say, they're all for show
And I don't want to hurt you anymore
Than I already have
Can't you just forget about me?
You say you cant, but I think you know
That though it would crush me
Your crush cant continue
I know this is me
And not you
And I know I'll go over this a thousand times
Before I'll be able to forgive myself
But though this has been a high
All I do is get you low...

Dane glanced back at her unconscious body lying on the medical table, and grimaced. Then he averted his eyes back to the screen of images in front of him. Before his eyes were her more precious possession- her memories. As an officer of the law, hired to carry out the emperors will, he sometimes had access to these "Mind Machines" as they call them. He told his Captain that she was suspected of crimes against the Capitol, but that couldn't be further from the truth. He had taken her for far more selfish reasons, known only to him, and possibly to her. He took her to convince himself he was right. That his reassurances to himself weren't wrong, that she was scum, unworthy of him. A selfish little chit who set out only to hurt him. But the pictures in front of him were doing the exact opposite. He couldn't find an instance of her plotting, or hating or even looking down upon him. She had just come back from a meeting with a friend when he had captured her, and now he saw how much she cared for the ones she spent time with. How much she had cared for him, despite his doubts. How easy it would be for him to get her back, now that he knew exactly what she wanted to hear, but he knew he couldn't. Not after this. There would always be that between them, at least to him. And restraints like that are what take the joy out of being in love. He felt guilty now, though. Guilty for breaking her heart, even as she broke his. Guilty of what he was doing now- invading her life. There was so much he could see now, things he knew she would never want the world to know He figured it would be valuable, possibly. But he also knew he would never be able to go against her again. Against his Aria. Against the girl he loved loves. Against himself.

As her mother drew out of the parking lot, she sat in the back seat, watching the front of the school get smaller and smaller. And she was also watching her. She was talking animatedly with a group of people, a group she-although she hated to admit it-was part of just moments before. She didn't want to like this girl. She couldn't like this girl. She was her best guy friends ex-girlfriend. The way he made it seem, though sometimes it varied, was that she was some sort of minx, a "man eater", only out to take and break hearts. She supposed the girl could have been putting up a front for her, but she didn't show any signs of recognition, even though they had met once. Now she was wondering what her side of the story was. If her friend was somehow lying to her, or that maybe the girl had some sort of other reason besides the one she gave for leaving him. But still. She couldn't take the chance of liking this girl, or even, god forbid, being friends with her. She wouldn't be able to forgive herself if she liked the girl who broke her best friends heart, no matter how funny she was, or how charismatic. She could certainly see what had attracted him, personality wise. But she couldn't think like that. She wouldn't think like that. She wouldn't be going to meeting next week, or ever again, if just to preserve her friendship...which was, she believed, much more important than the one she would've had with that girl. Right?